Halloween survival Guide

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A Halloween Public Service Annoucement

Under no circumstances go trick or treating in any of the following locations: Amityville, Transylvania, anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle or the Maryland countryside.

Don't open any box, coffin, crate, or anything that has been chained, nailed, welded or wax-sealed shut---especially if it's been well hidden for a real----ly long time.

Be wary around mirrors. I don't care how great your Halloween costume looks, do not linger long in front of the looking glass. Just take a quick look and be gone. And for goodness sake, and I cannot emphasize this point enough *hey I even underlined it* never utter the words Bloody Mary five times in a mirror because a woman dead for centuries will burst from the mirror and cleaning up slivers off the bathroom floor will be the least of your worries.

Don't stick your hand down the garbage disposal.
Especially if you've just heard strange noises in your house or there's sudden shrieking violin background music.

If your little brother gets hysterical and tells you he saw a shrouded figure across the street carrying a lifeless women in his arms; believe him and fetch a bazooka, because that guy across the street won't be going down easy.

If for some reason you find yourself in a hospital where only one person seems to be working and most of the patient rooms are empty, better to check yourself out and take your chances on the street with a box of band-aids and a bottle of aspirin.
Trust me, that hospital just ain't safe.

Don't go searching in the basement, especially if the power is out.

Never taunt the ax-wielding maniac. It never ends well.

Wax museums are always a bad idea and should be totally avoided after midnight.

If pets come back from the dead, lock your doors and windows and call animal control immediately.

If anything other than water comes out of a faucet, don't call a plumber, RUN!

Resist the urge to pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus, is wearing a hockey mask or is carrying a chainsaw.

If the living dead/zombies are outside and the windows are boarded up, don't go near the windows. Carpentry skills and reliable buiding materials aren't what they used to be. ;)

Remember - if you see stange lights in the sky run. Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy. Same goes for unseasonal fog


If you're out on Halloween night and your car runs out of gas on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby house on the hill, the last house on the left, or the boarded up house with fifteen pick-ups in the frontyard for help. Just walk out of there. Trust me, you'll be the better for it. *wink*

and finally
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. If you can't read silently you have no business with such a thing anyway.

Now go out and have fun.

Still more Halloween tips, because, well, you never know.
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Wait until dawn to start looking for vampires

If you have a feeling you'll end up being chased by zombies during the night, put on comfortable running shoes. Because while slow movers , zombies never tire of running.

If someone who seems important tells you NOT to do something, (like oh... "Don't look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath by yourself, etc", by all means, listen to him.

Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead. Similarly, do not poke, taunt, insult or otherwise disturb the dead. Trust me, the dead are most unforgiving on this point.

If you are working at an arctic reseach station and find a body frozen in the ice near a crashed spaceship, absolutely, positively do not thaw it out.

Don't fool with matter teleportation technology, particularity if there are flies in the room. BUZZZZZZZ!

Avoid unusually large seed pods.

Never pick up the phone to call for help, because the phone will likely be dead. Besides, monsters, psycho-killers, etc are attracted to people with phones in hand.

If one of your friends makes arrangements for a group of you to go on a wilderness retreat, and once you get there you find out that waste dumping has been going on in the area for years, make sure to stock up on ammo, explosives, and all the weapons you can carry.
Because you're going to need them when the mutated grizzly bear that lives in the woods bursts through your front door trying to eat you.

AND

If an elite military unit, or an agency sponsoring such a unit, arrives and says "we have everything under control", assume they will be wiped out after the first engagement and plan accordingly. (in otherwords-- say a quick hello and start running.


Happy Halloween