Understanding Women & Men-Humor

Words women use
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Fine -- This is the word women use at the end of any argument in which women feel they are right but need to shut you up.
NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks.
This will only cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES -- This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING -- If you ask her what is wrong and she says NOTHING, this means something and you should be on your toes.
NOTHING is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.
"Nothing" usually signifies an argrument that will last FIVE MINUTES and end with the word FINE.

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) -- This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over NOTHING and will end with the word FINE.

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) -- This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by NOTHING and FINE and she will talk to you in about FIVE MINUTES when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH -- This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstodd by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over NOTHING.

SOFT SIGH -- Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. You best bet is to not move or even breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY -- This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO -- This is not a statment, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's OKay."

THANKS -- A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say "you're welcome."

THANKS A LOT -- This is much different from "Thanks."
A woman will say. "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have done something wrong and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."[/list]

BECAUSE I'M A MAN

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Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestion that we call AAA until long after hypothermina has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the can isn't running well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what the heck I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now will all these darn computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always sex, cars, or food, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mom, too!

Because I'm a man, I must hold the TV remote in my hand. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? [/list]

Hope this brought a smile
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Keep'em flying