Thread: So, you want to be a flight attendant?

May 16, 2004
Chicago Daily Herald
Grounded advice for flight attendant wannabes
By Gail Todd

Recently, I received e-mail from two readers who thought flying sounded like
an exotic career and asked me if I would do it all over again. So when I met
two old flying cronies for lunch, I asked them the same question.

We put our heads together and came up with a training guide for anyone who
is considering a career as a flight attendant and is looking for the
adventure of air travel. Here it is:

1. Go to a resale store and find an old, navy suit that an army sergeant
might have worn. Add a white shirt and a tie. Wear the same outfit for three consecutive days.

2. Go to an airport and watch airplanes take off for several hours. Pretend
you are standing by for them and they are all full. Go home. Return to the
airport the next day and do the same thing again.

3. Fill several large boxes with rocks. Lift them over your head and place
them on the top shelf of a closet. Slam the door shut until the boxes fit.
Do this until you feel a disk slip in your back.

4. Turn on a radio. Be sure to set it between stations so there is plenty of
static. Turn on the vacuum cleaner and garbage disposal. Run them all night.

5. Remove the covers from several TV entrees. Place them in a hot oven.
Leave the food in the oven until it's completely dried out. Remove the hot
trays with your bare hands. Serve to your family. Don't include anything for
yourself.

6. Serve your family a beverage one hour after they've received their meal.
Make them remain in their seats during this time. Ask them to scream at you
and complain about the service.

7. Scrounge uneaten rolls off the plates for you to eat two hours later when
you're really hungry.

8. Place a straight-backed chair in a closet facing a blank wall. Use a belt
to strap yourself into it. Eat the rolls you saved from your family's meal.

9. Ask your family to use the bathroom as frequently as possible. Tell them
to make splashing water a game and see who can leave the most disgusting
mess. Clean the bathroom every hour throughout the night.

10. Make a narrow aisle between several dining room chairs and randomly
scatter your husband's wing-tips and loafers along the way. Turn off the
lights and spend the night walking up and down the aisle while banging your
shins against the chair legs and tripping over the shoes. Drink several cups
of cold coffee to keep yourself awake.

11. Gently wake your family in the morning and serve them a cold sweet roll.
Don't forget to smile and wish them a nice day when they leave for work and
school.

12. After the family leaves, take a suitcase and go out in the yard. If it's
not raining, turn on the sprinkling system and stand in the cold for 30
minutes pretending like you're waiting for the crew bus to pick you up. Then
go inside and wait by your bedroom door for another 30 minutes for an
imaginary maid to make up your room.

13. Change into street clothes and shop for five hours. Pick up carry-out
food from a local deli. Go back home. Sit on your bed and eat your meal. Set
your alarm for 3 a.m. so you'll be ready for your wake-up call.

14. Repeat the above schedule for three days in a row and you'll be ready to
work your first international trip.

Several years ago, on a flight out of Denver, my flying partner was
half-buried in a cart trying to rescue the last few entrees from a meal
cart. A passenger asked her what she was doing. Without removing her head
from the carrier, she responded: "I'm looking for the glamour in this job."

And yes, I would do it all over again. So would my flying partners. Go
figure.

Gail Todd, a free-lance writer, worked as a flight attendant for more than
30 years.