Thread: Humor-Texas -The novice chili taster

Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank:

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. The original person called in sick at the last minute, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges, both native Texans, that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1 Mike's Maniac Mobster chili

Judge 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me 2 beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili #2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge #1: Smoky with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2: Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili #3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2: A beanless chili. A bit salty; good use of red peppers.
Frank: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everybody knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer stand. Lady at the beer stand pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally", probably behind her back they call her "Forklift".

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic

Judge #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing right behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1: Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I'm worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it's made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili that slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at the autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally save yourself before it's too late. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount St Chili

Judge #1: A perfect ending. This is a nice blended chili, safe for all; not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 collapsed and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
Frank: ARRGG...AHHHj...hhrrm...ooaai.......


Keep'em flying



[This message was edited by Migflanker on May 22, 2003 at 02:39 PM.]