Thread: A Blast From the Past

With all the talk going on about a DL/NW merger, I thought you might get a laugh out of this. It was circulating around about the time of the failed US offer.

Thanks-taking DayLetter to the employees and their familiesFor the Record, USAirways newletter As the holidays are fast approaching, I am inclined to lean back in my custom made "Parker-lounger" here at my gated community home in Paradise Valley, throw my big feet up, pop open a can of my finest wine, munch on some cheez-wiz and saltines, and reflect on what the past year has meant to me. Me- the chairman, president, CEO, COO, CFO, CIO, CMO, and entire BOD of the proposed new new "CactUS TookUS DeltUS Airwayslines Group Company, Inc. LLC PLC."

Ooh, I get covered in goose bumps just thinking of it.

My boys down in the basement tell me I am the master of synergy, creating stuff that just seems to take off in all different directions when I force them to collide. Take our recent happenings here at the new USAirways for just such a successful synergistic event. I took two separate airlines, waved my hands in the air doing my synergism magic, and "poof, today we are enjoying the benefits of one big synergalistic chasm with two separate work groups, two separate reservations systems, two separate retiree groups, two separate non-rev categories, two separate paint jobs for two separate fleets, and two separate sets of books. You certainly don't have to look very far to see the success of that big pile of synergolopy. If that ain't synergology at its finest, I don't know what is. So I'm thankful to be such a masterful synergiatrist.

And I forgot to mention before, I'm thankful for goose bumps (they're like a natural synergy of blood and adrenaline and skin and hair and brain-stuff happenings and nerve-ending thingies).

As a stakeholder in the new new airline- "Parker's Planes" as I affectionately call it- you should be proud of the fact that despite all the times I told you we could not increase your salary or benefits, that I alone was able to secure $8 billion of credit to takeover Delta- that speaks volumes of the Wall Street confidence level in me. And yes, that's $8 billion, with a B! That's not no slim pickings right there, I tell you. Please notice I said you are all stakeholders, not shareholders. That's important for you to know because you will most definitely have a stake in my success, but I cannot have all of you sharing it. Having said that, let me be very clear that I am thankful for the shirts off your backs, because it's no skin off of mine- this Tempe sun can cause great big blisters if you're not too careful.

Oh, and I'm thankful for the sun, too- that big ball of synergy with all its hydrogen and fire and hot air and flares and spots and stuff.

And at this time of year, let's not forget those employees over at Delta, for without all they have done in the past year to see Delta through to its success, I would have no cause to ride on their coat tails. They have painfully had to say goodbye to coworkers through attrition and taken necessary pay and benefit cuts, all while increasing their customer satisfaction ratings- no simple feat in today's world. There's a lesson in there for all of you- get your act together. And after my announcement that I would rule them one day, they have banded together tighter than ever to become the family they once were- management, frontline, agents, flight attendants, ALPA- all in it together to fight me. Man, I can't wait to have them as employees and send some of you guys to the curb. So, I am thankful that I will get to have some loyal, devoted, cost-conscious, friendly employees working for me for a change.

And I should have mentioned before that I'm also thankful for the moon- not a lot of synergy principles going on there, but I just like the man smiling down on me.

Last, but far from least, I want you to consider me as you think over the past year together. Me, me, me, me, me. I count my blessings every day that I am me. I look in the mirror every morning and I think, "I'm smart, I'm pretty, and gosh darnit, people like me." Well, not really, but I just loved those skits on Saturday Night Live. But seriously, you should be proud of all that I have accomplished in the past year, and you should be humbled that I have chosen to represent myself to the world in such bold fashion. For without me, where would you be? Take a moment to digest. Without me, we would be two separate airlines, not like the two separate airlines we are today. Without me and my vision for the new new airline, we would be three separate airlines, not like the three we are today. So I am thankful that I have given you the opportunity over the past year to see the man I really am, and the ruler I intend to become.

I almost forgot, I'm also thankful for my mirror- don't even start me on the synergy I have witnessed in my mirror.

So, this Thanks-taking Day, just remember that I am more thankful for all my blessings than you can even imagine.

Gobble! Gobble! Gobble 'em up!

Doug Parker