1. A male passenger plays a pornographic DVD on a portable player. I notice there are children within sight and that other passengers are becoming annoyed. When I ask the gentleman to please put the DVD away, he refuses, citing his personal rights. What do I do?

I AM AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY MUSIC APPRECIATER NOW IF YOU KEEP PUSHING YOUR TRASH TUNES ON US HERE AT 30,000 FEET IN THE AIR AND NOWHERE FOR US TO GO, I'M GONNA SHOVE EACH ONE OF YOUR CD'S UP YOUR.............................................

2. A female passenger, acting strangely and smelling of alcohol, asks for another drink. I decide she’s had too much already and cut her off. She informs me that she is not drunk but has multiple sclerosis and would still like that drink. Do I serve her?

NO I DON'T SERVE HER. I KINDLY TELL HER I HAVE A SERIOUS CASE OF THE ASS.

3. On a long international flight, a first class passenger airs his intestines continuously. I mean, he passes gas big time. It gets so bad that most everyone has a tissue stuffed up his nose, and a couple of passengers are getting sick. One flight attendant decides to go on a smell hunt and tracks down the culprit. Should she say something?

YES SHE SHOULD. LIKE TAKE THIS PACKET OF COFFEE AND STICK IT IN YOUR UNDERWEAR TO ACT AS SOME SORT OF FILTER. YOU KNOW, LIKE HOW THE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS LIKE TO CLIP THEM ON INSIDE THE LAV DOORS TO FILTER THE CRUD SMELL? OR PASS HIM A SPARE CORK FROM A WINE BOTTLE FROM UP IN FIRST CLASS. MAYBE HE'LL OR SHE'LL GET THE HINT.


4. A male passenger is reading a book on how to build bombs. The title is in large print, and surrounding passengers become alarmed. Should a flight attendant do something?

NO. NO BIG DEAL. IT'S HIS RIGHT TO READ WHAT HE WANTS. AS LONG AS THERE ARE NO BOMB MAKING MATERIALS, WHO CARES?

5. A couple joining the Mile High Club in one of the lavatories makes their intentions clear by vocalizing loudly. You knock on the door, hoping they will either stop or become more discreet. When they don’t stop and passengers start to complain, what do you do?

CHILL OUT PEOPLE. IT'S THE MOVIE PLAYING IN VERY HIGH DEFENITION.

6. You find a roll of money on the floor of the lavatory. It carries no identification. You count it and find it totals well over $500. Your paychecks have recently been cut and you could really use that windfall. What do you do?

I WOULD TAKE THE MONEY AND HOLD IT UNTIL SOMEBODY MAKES A CLAIM EITHER THE PERSON OR A FLIGHT ATTENDANT OVER THE SPEAKER. IF NOTHING IS HEARD ABOUT IT, I JUST KEEP IT.

7. A female passenger comes to the galley and tells you that her husband has just passed away. The couple knew this might happen, as the man had a serious heart condition. There are no empty seats to which he can be moved, and you know that if you report the death before landing, all the passengers will be quarantined for several hours. What do you do?

HOW DOES THE LADY KNOW IF THE HUSBAND IS DEAD? IS SHE A DOCTOR? MY FIRST IMPULSE WOULD BE TO FIND A DOCTOR FIRST. DEAL WITH THE REST LATER.


8. You are on an eight-hour flight that has been delayed for two hours due to mechanical trouble. When it finally takes off, you get a note from Operations saying that everyone on board will miss their connecting flights. Do you tell the passengers right away, knowing that everyone will be put in a foul mood, or do you wait until nearer the end of the flight? Or do you not tell them at all?

DON'T TELL THEM NUTTIN. THEY ALL READY KNOW THEY MISSED THEIR CONNECTIONS. AFTER TWO HOURS, THEY'RE TEE'D OFF ANYWAY.

9. A passenger boards wearing an extremely racist T-shirt. Having had several complaints from passengers during boarding, and fearing World War III could break out in flight, what do you do — if anything?

CONFRONT THE INDIVIDUAL AND TELL THEM THAT MALCOLM X WAS REALLY A BLACK MAN AND HE COULD BE JAILED FOR PROVIDING FALSE INFORMATION WITH HIS SHIRT AND IF HE DOESN'T TURN THE SHIRT INSIDE AND OUT, HIS HEAD WILL BE INSIDE HIS BUTT.


10. One of your pilots is late and boards in a hurry, smelling of alcohol. He is not acting peculiarly, but the smell is obvious. How do you handle the situation?

GET THE F--- OUT OF MY PLANE NOW. YOU AINT FLYING THIS PLANE AND IF YOU DON'T MAKE QUICK ARRANGEMENTS, I'M CALLING SECURITY. OF COURSE, ALL OF THIS OUT OF VIEW FROM THE PAX.