*Insert tongue firmly in cheek*

Rule 1:

Do not ask me about specific flights and then pretend to be innocent of the fact that there is a call center fee, (especially as it's the FIRST THING YOU HEAR ABOUT WHEN YOU CALL!) and decide to 'book it online because it's cheaper'. This also applies to seat assignments and everything else!

Rule 2:

Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part, or a 'rip off' on my employers part. I'm afraid my time machine is out of order. If you saw a lower fare 'last week', I can't get it for you today.

Note that 'Rule 2' is suspended in the case of a real emergency - family crisis's have special procedures in place, but please let me know at the start so I can help you more effectively.

Rule 3:

The above also applies to full flights. Trust me, the time to book award travel is not at Thanksgiving for Hawaii, nor April for Spring Break travel to Florida.

Rule 4:

I'm sorry you didn't read the rules of your ticket when you purchased a 50$ RT on Hotwire or the like, and it's not my fault the change fee is more than the price you paid.

Rule 5:

My airline has over a thousand flights a day. Please understand that I can't find your flight by 'just your name'. I can sometimes chase it out using other methods, but please be patient - I can't just pull it out of the ether.

Rule 6:

I also can't pull an aircraft out of my rear. I'm sorry if you had a delay, or the new schedule for your flight (that you made 8 moths ago) will mean you are going to be half an hour later to the beach. I'll do my best to accommodate you, but it'll be far from instantaneous.

Rule 7:

In the case of bad weather - trust me, if we're not flying because of the blizzard/hurricane/tornados, I don't think the other guy is either. Other things like 'crew rest' or mechanicals - I probably can put you on one of our competitors, but if they don't have room, I can't make them strap you to the wing...

Rule 8:

I am in SE- AT - TLE. This means I cannot come to the APO and find your bag. This is especially true if you are in MEMPHIS. (I wish I could say this wasn't from experience...)

Rule 9:

I cannot override what they say at the APO. I also cannot issue vouchers for hotels or meals. I can (and happily) give you information on contacting 'customer issues' and sincerely hope that you get some satisfaction, after all, poor service makes my job harder as I often get the aftermath, but please remember that I really want to help you, even in my limited capacity as a phone rep.

And Finally, Rule 10:

I'll do everything in my power to make your experience as economical or as pain free as possible. If you actually found me or my colleagues helpful, please take a few moments to tell my 'superiors' - good feedback is just as important (if not more-so) as hearing complaints. If I've spent an hour trying to resolve a problem, or getting you someplace in a hurry in light of the addendum to Rule 2, let my boss know that I wasn't just toying around, and in this very profit minded industry, we gave good service...