Thread: Things I've learned from the movies (humor)

Still More Lines You'll Never Hear In A Cowboy Movie

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"You 'n' and Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: Men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

"I'm tellin' ya, I ain't shot no varmints since them PETA fellers set me straight."

"I can't go in the saloon! Jeese's got the same vest I'm wearing."

"Barkeep! Another round of daiguiris for my posse."

"Wow, four aces, you win again."

"Why Miss Kitty, never thought to wear my chaps like that."

"I sure hope the chuck wagon has a vegetarian selection."

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG."[/list]

Hope these brought a smile

Keep'em flying

Still More things I've Learned from the movies
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Pedestrians in movies have the world's best reflexes, so don't worry when the hero drives down a sidewalk. The fruit stand customer, or woman pushing a baby carriage are quite use to having carts smashed or dodging run away cars , and despite gesticulations and curses, always manage to get out of the way.

A car will always explode when shot at, unless the hero is driving it.

When a car falls off a cliff after a car chase, it usually explodes before reaching the ground.

Movie cars all have excellent brakes and can come to a full stop from 80 MPH (with loud screeches, even on dirt roads) in 20 ft.

Any time you see a really nice foreign car or a great classic like a 65 Mustang, you know it's going to be smashed into a million pieces.


All to many times a movie car chase will be interrupted by the emergence of a semi from a driveway, alley or street, resulting in the escape of the hunted, or the death of an expendable character.

Police cars involved in chase scenes usually tend to suffer more than any other vehicles--they have head on collisions, smash parked cars, fall into water, and of course, experience the ever popular flying-roll, causing the car to land upside down and crush the lights and siren. Usually, we never get to see the unlucky policemen before or after the inevitable accident.

Caves always have flat floors, and it's never fully dark.

The moon is always out at night, except in "low budget" movies where the sun is out all the time.

Eclipses happen frequently and without any warning.

All fights taking place on the edge of a canyon, tall building, bridge, or other high place require at least one bad guy to get plugged by a bullet, arrow, or other missile weapon, causing him to fall, BUT keep him alive long enough to hear his scream of terror echo as he pluges to his doom.

A pursued hero, with the bad guys just yards behind him, can jump into a shutdown helicopter, run through the startup checklist, engage and spin the rotors, take off and be out of pistol range before the bad guys catch up.

A malfunctioning or burnt out lightbulb usually means that someone is hiding in the room, ready to jump on our hero/heroine while he/she's busy hitting the switch or tapping the bulb.

Lighbulbs blow up/ candle flames flicker when something psychic happens.

Explosions in space make noise. BOOM!

Warp or hyper-drive will always fail at critical moments.

In a spaceship battle scene, for a ship to fire a weapon at another, it must be in visual range. Even though the 20th century saw the advent of weapons that can be fired without visual contact, the people of the future have lost this technology.

Shots fired in westerns that do not hit a character always riccochet loudly.

Horses are never wounded in horseback gunfights.

and finally
In any movie where "something" has happened and villagers come to look at it, they always decide to "go for help. The most expendable member of the group is left to "keep an eye on it", and supplied with a weapon or signaling device "in case something happens". Said member ALWAYS responds: "What could happen?" This is a certain signal that he will die, gruesomely, within 2 minutes.
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Hope this brought a smile


Keep'em flying

Still more things I&#39;ve learned from the movies

When landing, an airplanes&#39;s wheels always make a loud screech followed by a brief puff of smoke.

Russians use American jets with big red stars painted on the side.

A 727 on roll out, can become a 747 in cruise, a 757 on final, and an Airbus at the gate.

Cars never start in an emergency. But I know it will eventally start if you pump the gas pedal and frantically exclaim "come on, please start" while nervoulsy looking in the rear view mirror.

A car can be started by simply reaching under the dashboard, grabbing any two random wires, and touching frayed ends of the wires. Doing so not only starts the car, it also disables the locked steering column.

Leaping from high ledges is not as tragic as it might seem. it usually results in a quite beautiful swan dive with a slow head-over heels roll.

Parking garages are very dangerous places. Always use valet parking.

Women have weak ankles that will always flare up when running from a bad guy/or monster.

Women are innately scared of even the faintest of noises. However they&#39;ll never hesitate to investigae a darkened empty house, especially if wearing a sexy nightgown.

Machine guns are not very reliable weapons. Sure, they shoot bullets in rapid fire succession, but the bullets are attracted to mirrors, flower pots, vases, and various other design accessories.

Fire extinguishers are multi purpose tools used for everything except putting out a fire.

and finally
It&#39;s always a bad idea to drive behind a truck hauling chickens.

Hope this brought a smile.