Things I've learned from the movies (humor)

**Migflanker** · 18-Jan-2003, 01:08 PM

Things I've learned from the movies

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The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

If you find yourself on a lost continent (underground world), where there is prehistoric life or an ancient civilization still flourishing, there is also an active volcano.

You can pretty much find a chainsaw when you need one.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forcoming art exhibition.

Building ventilation ducts are always clean.
Corollary: The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

Turn on the lights!

Never dig in sand, the woods or graveyards. In fact, never dig up anything.

When the power goes out, wandering the house with a flickering candle is not a good idea.

To mask your identity you don't need plastic surgery, just a pair of thick-framed glasses.

If someone calls you and says they have vital information and asks you to met them somewhere, don't bother showing up. He'll be dead when you get there and you will be charged with the murder. Trust me on this one.

Animals (dogs, cats, birds, fish) always know who's bad and will naturally bark, hiss, chirp or point at them.

Airplanes can inexplicably look like a 757 at take-off, a 747 in flight and a 737 at landing.

Under no circumstances get a job as a security guard at a scientific research center.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Corollary: In an emergency, anyone can fly a helicopter.

The baggage compartments of commercial aircrafts have cavernous space even when fully loaded.

If you smell tanna leaves burning, RUN!

Any computer, anywhere, can hack into the most secure government system.

Never get attached to dogs named "old Yeller".[/list]

Keep'em flying

**Migflanker** · 13-Jul-2004, 06:54 AM

Still more things I've learned from the movies

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Take any advice offered by a crazy old man/woman to heart, because not only are they 100% correct, but the information they impart will become critically important in the very near future.

Not one single scientific experiment has ever gone right.

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings-especially if any of their family has died in some strange boating accident.

Never stick you hand down the garbage disposal. Especially if you just heard strange noises or while sinister music is playing.

If you go digging in cemeteries/Egyptian tombs, something is bound to follow you out.

No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

Chicago is the only city where people just break out in song and the entire population will drop everything and start dancing in the street.

A lot of U.S. cities look remarkably like Vancouver, Canada.

Even after some catastrophic event (erupting volcano/dinosaurs breaking into the control room) computers can be salvaged and used, but if I spill one tiny drop of orange juice on my keyboard...

No matter how hopeless your trial seems to be going, your inexperienced and vastly underrated lawyer (who works for free) will get the clever, sophisticated guilty party, who has coolly put together a fiendish plot, to break down and confess on the witness stand.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long

the winning horse never leads from wire to wire. [/list]
Now excuse me while I clean up my orange juice.

Keep'em flying

**vjb82** · 14-Jul-2004, 10:18 PM

...and, to add to your list, some more things I have learned from the movies:-
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.

It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

**Migflanker** · 15-Jul-2004, 02:20 PM

Yessss, another movie lover!

A few more things I've learned from the movies
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If you stand near Lois Lane something bad will happen to you.

People return from the dead in a very bad mood.

There are a lot of car chases in San Francisco and all of them go down Lombard Street and involve sideswiping a cable car.

If a person you are chasing has just taken the elevator down from the 30th floor you can get to the street first by taking the stairs.

The Sydney Opera House and the Sydney Harbor bridge are visible from any point in Sydney.

Even after the end of civilization, the roads/freeways will be in relatively good shape.

There's never a night shift at any large factory/maintenance hangar. Everyone leaves at sunset just in case there's a need for a nighttime chase through a large building with lots of idle equipment.

and finally I've learned that storyline doesn't matter as long as things go BOOM in the end.[/list]

Keep'em flying

**vjb82** · 15-Jul-2004, 09:00 PM

AND SOME MORE THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM "SCARY" MOVIES:-

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, kill them immediately. It will save you a lot of trouble in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
3. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
4. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits. Just get out!
5. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
6. If you're running from a monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
7. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, multi-level marketing, and so on, kill them immediately.
8. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had a full tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely while being eaten alive.
9. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
10. If you enter a house and a disembodied voice tells you to "GET OUT," listen to the helpful voice and leave.
11. If anyone offers you $1,000,000 if you just stay the night in a house - just leave and go and buy a lottery ticket. Your chances of winning the lottery are slightly higher then your chances of living through the night.
12. Word processors never display a cursor on screen, but will always say: Enter Password Now.

**Migflanker** · 16-Jul-2004, 12:47 PM

Speaking of scary movies, one of my favorite movie monsters is Dracula. However if I would ever become one of the Count's flying squadron, I would definitely handle that whole vampire thing quite differently.

Resolutions if I ever become a vampire.
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I would immediately purchase a "Hooked on Phonics" tape, in order to lose any Romania accent I may have.

I would not hunt in any community that has a Van Helsing in the phonebook.

I will not live in the traditional castle or mansion, a nice two bedroom ranch in the suburbs would be just fine. I also would be on friendly terms with my neighbors.

Speaking of my house, my home would have a good fire alarm, an effective sprinkler system and a state of the art burglar alarm system. It will be difficult for the Hero to kill me while under arrest for attempted breaking and entering.

There will be no windows, doors, elevator shafts or air vents accessing my Hidden Lair that have any sort of access to the outside and which sunlight can be directed down with mirrors.

If there must be windows they will be painted over and backed with steel plate so the Hero will face a rude surprise when he throws something through it at sunrise.

I would force myself to look concerned and not hungry when someone accidently cuts himself.

Despite not being able to go into the daylight, I'd at least get a tanning lamp. That "white as snow" look is a dead giveaway.

I would wear mostly jeans and a t-shirt, saving formal wear for special occasions only.

I would always carry a 38 on my person and become proficient in its use. If Van Helsing is holding me at bay with garlic, or I am unable to use my vampire powers for other reasons, I can always open fire. Nothing says the Hero can't be suffering from massive trauma before becoming lunch.

Crossbows, spears, arrows and other antique weapons with wood or large blades will be banned from the castle. There is nothing wrong with a fine collection of rifles and handguns.

I would not keep my coffin in the basement, that's the first place people look.

I would purchase a digital watch with an alarm. I will set this alarm for TWO hours before sunrise, giving ample time for traffic and other inconveniences.

When faced with a gang of spunky kids determined to stop my evil schemes, I would consider surrender... or mailbombs.

I would not engage a "Vampire Slayer" in martial arts combat, as that seldom seems to work out well.

More vampires means lower prey ratio: I would carefully consider if I really want more of us running around

I would make lots of long term investments.[/list]

Keep'em flying

**Migflanker** · 26-Jul-2004, 07:05 AM

Have you ever noticed that whether a barbarian lord, a deranged wizard, a mad scientist or an alien invader, the bad guy always seems to make the same basic mistakes every single time? Well, here are some of the top things that all aspirings "bad guys" should keep in mind the next time they try to rule the universe.

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The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum--a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright cheery colors, and thrown my enemies into confusion.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time travel devices.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the handsome rebel and he claims he is attracted to my power and beauty and will gladly betray his companions if I just let him in on my plans.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him say "And here is the price for failure." then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If I learn the whereabouts of the ONE artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a want-ad in the local paper.

I will hire a team of board certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic markmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery. I will carefully read the owner's manual.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full scale emergency.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en mass, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up on my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff ( in the middle of a rope bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering)

and finally to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.[/list]

Keep'em flying

**Migflanker** · 12-Mar-2005, 10:54 AM

The Normal Innocent Bystander's Survival Guide

Now it's pretty obvious that the Hero's job would be a lot easier if it weren't for the normal human beings who are constantly wandering into the combat scene during struggles with Evil Overlords/Bad Guys. Come on, people. Let's just try to stay out of harm's way so that the Hero can finally rub our the Bad Guys once and for all.

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If the Bad Guy/Evil Overlord announces to the world that he has reformed and wants only to help people, throw a party, and give away money, don't go; not even if he's playing Prince music... especially if he's playing Prince music. If he's lying, you'll be a hostage or a statistic. If he'll telling the truth, catch the next one.

Watching the Evil Overlord's interview on TV will certainly be interesting, but DO NOT be in the studio audience when she/he/it hosts "Saturday Night Live". Tape it, and wait a week or so to see if any other viewers had any seizures or mind-control problems before you watch the tape.

If the Hero and the Evil Overlord are engaged in mortal battle; go somewhere else as quickly as possible, before you are squished by a car, the statue of the city's founder, or a collapsing skyscraper.

If you are a security guard for a vast, powerful corporation, try to get assigned to the Marketing or Personnel departments, rather that R&D.

If you are spending the night in a spooky old house on a dare, do not sneak away to another part of the house for romantic interludes with your significant other. Instead, wait until you get a nice, clean, safe motel room.

If you come across a body, do not walk slowing in the direction of a suspicious noise, or stand above the body in a stunned state of shock. Instead, call the police on your cell phone while your running in the opposite direction.

Learn to control sneezing, coughing, and other bodily noices so that you won't give yourself away when you're trying to hide from tyannosaurs, henchmen etc.

If you enter a house, fortess, cave, temple, tomb, graveyard, etc. especialy one with a malevolent aura or history of macabre events, and an eerie, disembodied voice orders you to depart the premises, go, just go.

Stay away from all buildings or natural features of the landscape that resemble shulls, fists, fanged mouths, etc.

No matter how hooked you are on phonics, don't try to pronounce things you find inscribed in ancient artifacts.

Artifacts that are found in pieces should be left in pieces. Most importantly, if the pieces of an artifact stick together during assembly without any sort of adhjesive STOP !

When the scholar in the expedition says that the carving promises wrath on he who breaks the seal; it's time to go back to the camp.

If it glows, avoid it.

When the alien ship arrives, do not join the welcoming committee.

Do not take the shortcut through the woods.[/list]

Keep'em flying

**Migflanker** · 23-May-2005, 07:34 AM

Lines You'll Never Hear In A Real Cowboy Movie

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"As your attorney, I must strongly advise you against participating in that showdown at the corral. The liability issues are staggering."

"You know..I reckon this town really is big enough for the both of us."

"That's him, that's the varmint that shot my therapist!"

"Three to five day waiting period? But I got a duel at sundown!"

"Hey barkeep! Another round of daiquiris".

"Dadgummint, slow down on that spinach dip."

"In this town we got a way to deal with murderin' scum like you...-civil litigation!"

"Let's see...hardtack and pemmican...that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein and two starches."

"Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

[/list]

Keep'em flying

**Ant** · 04-Jul-2005, 07:22 PM

Awesome stuff guys, thanks for the laughs

One of my all time favourite things I have learned is that no matter what, Cabin Crew are ALWAYS capable of landing a disable aircraft in the absence of the Tech Crew. And they will always be able to do so whilst speaking to a calm, good guy gone bad ex FBI agent in the Control Tower.

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